What Not To Say To A Surrogate

Surrogacy utilizes modern medical technology, so it comes as no surprise that many are still wrapping their heads around the concept. Especially for some men, the surrogacy experience can be difficult to understand. Lack of understanding can lead to tactless questions, which, in turn, can hurt the feelings of others rather than provide the answers you need.

Below are some questions commonly heard by surrogates, and the reasons why they may be perceived as negative or offensive.

“How can you give away your baby? Won’t you miss him/her?”

Each surrogate has probably heard this or some variant of it several times during her journey. For many people familiar with conventional pregnancies, carrying another family’s baby might seem unusual.

Surrogates understand full well that the baby does not belong to them, and that they are temporarily carrying a baby for another family. While there may be a maternal bond between the surrogate and the other family’s baby, most surrogates report a feeling of joy in having given a family the hope they were looking for.

“How will you tell your kids?”

While this isn’t as scathing as other questions, it can still have a negative effect. In reality, telling a child about surrogacy is no more challenging than telling anyone else about surrogacy. The key is to treat the child as a mature person, while still using simple terms and concepts. Many surrogates compare the process to babysitting- it’s like temporarily looking after another baby for a family, and then returning them when the time is up.

There are plenty of resources online to help explain surrogacy to a child, such as children’s books discussing surrogacy. For more information, check out our other blog post on sharing gestational surrogacy journeys with children.

“Isn’t surrogacy only for celebrities?”

It’s true that surrogacy is popular in Hollywood, but that doesn’t mean surrogacy is exclusively used by famous people. For many families, surrogacy represents a new hope for starting a family.

“Isn’t it dangerous?”

Surrogacy is a tested and proven alternative to conventional pregnancy, regularly evaluated for its safety and effectiveness by the FDA and the rest of the medical science community. Reputable surrogacy agencies adhere to a set of guidelines set forth by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. ConceiveAbilities only hires the most experienced match managers, screens for the highest quality surrogates, and works with the most reputable fertility clinics.

However, surrogacy is not without its risks. Sometimes the risk is a medical one, as is the case with any pregnancy. Other times, there may be a legal risk, particularly if you live in a country or state where the law is unclear on surrogacy.

If you still have questions regarding the safety of surrogacy, contact us.

“How much are you getting paid?”

It’s true that surrogates are reimbursed for their time and effort. But that should not be the lens through which surrogates are viewed. In most cases, a surrogate begins her journey out of compassion and selflessness, and to answer another family’s yearning for a child. Most surrogates are less concerned about a dollar figure than they are with staying healthy, making the right decisions for them and the child, and ultimately delivering the child to their parents.

If you’re still interested in surrogate compensation, find out more by visiting our webpage. Avoid asking this question to a surrogate unless you’re very close with them. Even then, a surrogate’s effort should never be reduced to simply a dollar figure.

Surrogacy is already a challenging journey, but it can be more difficult when surrogates have to field difficult or ignorant questions. We are all limited by our own experience and our own understanding of the world, so we always encourage curious and thought-provoking questions. Just make sure you treat every surrogate with the respect, love, and support they deserve for their selfless journey.

For more information, visit our webpage on the surrogate process. For other common questions, visit our FAQ webpage. Remember to check out some of our other blog posts for even more answers to your surrogacy questions.